Welcome back to “’Tis the Season for Ph.D. Interviews”, where we’re unpacking what you’ll be asked (Part I), what YOU should ask (Part II), and here we are at Part III: What if I don’t get in anywhere?
OUCH. Now what?
In three parts, we will go from weighty emotions to upwards and onwards:
1) What is happening? Process what you’re feeling so you can learn from it and not let heavy feelings weigh you down
2) So what? What does this mean and what are you learning?
3) Now what? You have some decisions to make. Will you try again? What will you do now?
LET'S DO IT.
1) What are you feeling and what can we learn?
First, be kind to yourself and set the tone to stay kind to yourself. Give yourself a big hug. You deserve it.
Second, continue practicing emotional hygiene and self-compassion.
This outcome, rejection, is NOT an indicator of your worth as a person, your permanent quality as a student, and your chance of long-term success. The decisions made by the admissions committees indicate that they determined that they could not accept you for this round based on:
The decision is about your application, the decision makers, situation, and timing. It is not about you personally.
I recently met a Ph.D. student who said they sent 650 applications over 3 years. He applied to his current supervisor twice. The supervisor didn’t have room for him the first time, but two years later circumstances created opportunity for this now Ph.D. student.
Emotional hygiene means to remember this and to not compound your disappointment with negative thoughts about yourself.
If I trip and fall on my face, I do not then respond by repeatedly hitting my head on the ground. It is not good for me and reduces my ability to get up and get going. In contrast, taking a breather, soothing myself, tending to any wounds and bruises, nourishing the body so that it can heal itself and seeking help if needed will give me the means to move again.
Adding personal criticism on receiving disappointing news is like hitting one’s head on the ground after a fall. Unlikely to keep you motivated and moving.
Self-compassion asks the question - How would you comfort a friend who is having a hard time with a disappointing outcome?
Give yourself the same comfort. Here are three steps you can try:
1 - Acknowledge your reactions and let those feelings exist and breathe. They will fight back in unexpected times and ways if you suffocate them now.
2 - Remember that it is normal, human, to have these feelings. Thousands of other people around the world experience something similar.
3 – Invoke affirmational thoughts. What do I have? In what ways am I awesome? What am I really good at? What strengths do I have that help make me be even better? Make me a more valuable candidate?
As a resource, you can find journaling prompts and recordings on Dr. Kristen Neff's website about self-compassion.
The practices of emotional hygiene and self-compassion free us from the heaviness, giving us space and oxygen we need to think clearly and to move forward.
2) So what?
The programs you applied to are not options for you this year. Now there are two main questions:
Will I apply again?
What do I do now?
You’re likely answering both at the same time. For the sake of learning, take focused time, perhaps just 10-20 minutes at a time, to look through your applications and any feedback you have. (If you received feedback with your rejection, awesome. If you didn’t, that’s normal, unfortunately.)
Also notice – which pieces are under your control?
What are you most empowered to change between now and your next application that will make you a stronger candidate?
OUCH. Now what?
In three parts, we will go from weighty emotions to upwards and onwards:
1) What is happening? Process what you’re feeling so you can learn from it and not let heavy feelings weigh you down
2) So what? What does this mean and what are you learning?
3) Now what? You have some decisions to make. Will you try again? What will you do now?
LET'S DO IT.
1) What are you feeling and what can we learn?
First, be kind to yourself and set the tone to stay kind to yourself. Give yourself a big hug. You deserve it.
Second, continue practicing emotional hygiene and self-compassion.
This outcome, rejection, is NOT an indicator of your worth as a person, your permanent quality as a student, and your chance of long-term success. The decisions made by the admissions committees indicate that they determined that they could not accept you for this round based on:
- What they know about you from reading your package and possibly a conversation
- What they know about other candidates
- The openings and resources they have right now
- Their goals and needs right now
The decision is about your application, the decision makers, situation, and timing. It is not about you personally.
I recently met a Ph.D. student who said they sent 650 applications over 3 years. He applied to his current supervisor twice. The supervisor didn’t have room for him the first time, but two years later circumstances created opportunity for this now Ph.D. student.
Emotional hygiene means to remember this and to not compound your disappointment with negative thoughts about yourself.
If I trip and fall on my face, I do not then respond by repeatedly hitting my head on the ground. It is not good for me and reduces my ability to get up and get going. In contrast, taking a breather, soothing myself, tending to any wounds and bruises, nourishing the body so that it can heal itself and seeking help if needed will give me the means to move again.
Adding personal criticism on receiving disappointing news is like hitting one’s head on the ground after a fall. Unlikely to keep you motivated and moving.
Self-compassion asks the question - How would you comfort a friend who is having a hard time with a disappointing outcome?
Give yourself the same comfort. Here are three steps you can try:
1 - Acknowledge your reactions and let those feelings exist and breathe. They will fight back in unexpected times and ways if you suffocate them now.
2 - Remember that it is normal, human, to have these feelings. Thousands of other people around the world experience something similar.
3 – Invoke affirmational thoughts. What do I have? In what ways am I awesome? What am I really good at? What strengths do I have that help make me be even better? Make me a more valuable candidate?
As a resource, you can find journaling prompts and recordings on Dr. Kristen Neff's website about self-compassion.
The practices of emotional hygiene and self-compassion free us from the heaviness, giving us space and oxygen we need to think clearly and to move forward.
2) So what?
The programs you applied to are not options for you this year. Now there are two main questions:
Will I apply again?
What do I do now?
You’re likely answering both at the same time. For the sake of learning, take focused time, perhaps just 10-20 minutes at a time, to look through your applications and any feedback you have. (If you received feedback with your rejection, awesome. If you didn’t, that’s normal, unfortunately.)
Also notice – which pieces are under your control?
- The grades you already earned will not change.
- The standardized test scores are what they are. You can repeat them, but is that necessary?
What are you most empowered to change between now and your next application that will make you a stronger candidate?
- Your experience – Is there a gap between the experience you need and the experience you have?
- Your communication and your statement of purpose, interviews, and networking conversations – what are your strengths, achievements, and aspirations and how does that connect to the place and team you are applying to join?
- Your relationships and your recommendation letters. Relationships can be cultivated and changed, the sooner the better.
- What else?
Whether you’re thinking about applying again, applying for jobs, applying for something different (e.g. Master’s degree or other advanced training), or even taking time off – this reflection will help you gain perspective, clarity, and focus on what to do next.
3) Now what?
One way to make this easier is to employ is the WOOP framework, which stands for wish, outcome, obstacles, and plan. The WOOP coaching framework was developed by Gabriele Oettingen and her team over decades that can help us build focused action plans and mindsets to work towards our goals.
Step-by-step:
Wish – What is your wish? For example, you may still have the wish to earn a Ph.D., and the first requirement is to be accepted into a program.
Outcome – What are the smaller outcomes you need along the way? Write down all the steps you need based on our learning in “So what?”
Within the big wish, there are now several outcomes to work on that are needed for seeking both Ph.D. opportunities and employment (at a university or a company). For this exercise, let’s focus on one.
As an example, let’s work with relationships, since they are so influential in making us aware of opportunities and connecting to them. Get even more specific with the outcome – specific is terrific:
Perhaps we can even focus on the next conversation we have. Consider someone who already wrote a recommendation letter for us and we’d like their support again. What would we like to express to that person?
It could be gratitude for their support, informing them of the application outcome, and then describing how we’re thinking about our next steps. Perhaps they are willing to listen, offer perspective, andeven connect us with someone who can help us gain the experience we need.
By getting specific with our outcomes, we stay forward-looking and become clearer on our smaller tasks and bigger wishes.
Obstacles – This question focuses on you. What in you, might stop you from working towards the outcomes you need?
This is a new situation and it’s normal for there to be concerns and anxieties when something is uncertain and important. Name any thoughts, feelings, or beliefs you have, or even habits you are aware of.
Research by Oettinger and team showed that students who used the WOOP model to change their study habits were more likely to reach their goals for academic performance than those who only set goals.
By being aware of obstacles, we can ‘pre-program’ our minds to catch our inner obstacles, choose a different perspective, and take more effective action.
Plan
A great way to go about plans is to use ‘If-then’ statements. They take on this structure, “If I… then I will…,” and help us program ourselves to act towards our desired outcomes. Sound logical?
Examples:
If you’re like me and have a habit of avoiding things that feel uncomfortable, one trick I learned from the Positive Intelligence framework with Shirzad Charmine, is to tell myself that I will stop avoiding this for one minute, then celebrate the fact that I stopped avoiding!
That celebration alone usually makes me feel good enough that I am motivated to continue working on it. This practice goes against the idea that pressuring and criticizing ourselves makes us perform better. It doesn’t.
A little bit of stress, called eustress, does indeed help us focus, prioritize, and act. But distress drains our energy, zapping us of the precious mental and physical resources needed to perform. Worse, stress hormones temporarily suppress our immune system, and if this goes on too long, we easily get sick and risk chronic illnesses. (Two great books in the Resources section below discuss stress on performance and health.)
Moving forward – take care of your brain
This rejection itself has an impact on your brain. Processing it, learning from it, and getting back on your feet all require precious brain resources. Therefore, it’s critical to our success to take care of our brain, the center for thinking, emotions, and controlling bodily systems, voluntary and involuntary, that keep us alive.
Success is not the absence of setbacks, but a journey through a winding forest path, where each stumble serves as a stepping stone, revealing new capabilities you probably didn't know you had. Allow optimism to be a compass and think of challenges and obstacles as means to success. Every misstep reveals new trails.
No Ph.D. doesn't mean no Ph.D. ever! I have seen Ph.D. candidates succeed at every age from 27 to 76 (and beyond).
Finally, if you are committed doing impactful work through meaningful projects and working with great people, you will find your way, with or without a Ph.D.
Upwards and onwards!
3) Now what?
One way to make this easier is to employ is the WOOP framework, which stands for wish, outcome, obstacles, and plan. The WOOP coaching framework was developed by Gabriele Oettingen and her team over decades that can help us build focused action plans and mindsets to work towards our goals.
Step-by-step:
Wish – What is your wish? For example, you may still have the wish to earn a Ph.D., and the first requirement is to be accepted into a program.
Outcome – What are the smaller outcomes you need along the way? Write down all the steps you need based on our learning in “So what?”
Within the big wish, there are now several outcomes to work on that are needed for seeking both Ph.D. opportunities and employment (at a university or a company). For this exercise, let’s focus on one.
As an example, let’s work with relationships, since they are so influential in making us aware of opportunities and connecting to them. Get even more specific with the outcome – specific is terrific:
- Is there a professor with whom you would like to have a stronger connection? What does that look like in practice?
- Do you need to meet more people? What kind of people, and what does meeting them look like?
Perhaps we can even focus on the next conversation we have. Consider someone who already wrote a recommendation letter for us and we’d like their support again. What would we like to express to that person?
It could be gratitude for their support, informing them of the application outcome, and then describing how we’re thinking about our next steps. Perhaps they are willing to listen, offer perspective, andeven connect us with someone who can help us gain the experience we need.
By getting specific with our outcomes, we stay forward-looking and become clearer on our smaller tasks and bigger wishes.
Obstacles – This question focuses on you. What in you, might stop you from working towards the outcomes you need?
This is a new situation and it’s normal for there to be concerns and anxieties when something is uncertain and important. Name any thoughts, feelings, or beliefs you have, or even habits you are aware of.
- Do you tend to procrastinate or avoid interactions that feel uncomfortable?
- Are you very busy and don’t know how you will find time to do everything you need to?
- Is the person you want to talk to very busy and seemingly difficult to get time with them?
Research by Oettinger and team showed that students who used the WOOP model to change their study habits were more likely to reach their goals for academic performance than those who only set goals.
By being aware of obstacles, we can ‘pre-program’ our minds to catch our inner obstacles, choose a different perspective, and take more effective action.
Plan
A great way to go about plans is to use ‘If-then’ statements. They take on this structure, “If I… then I will…,” and help us program ourselves to act towards our desired outcomes. Sound logical?
Examples:
- “If I feel uncomfortable about the idea of talking to this professor, then I will take a few minutes to write down bullet points of what I want to talk about with them.”
- “If I feel too busy to work on my application, I will look at the calendar and block off 30 minutes to focus on this.”
- “If I notice myself doing something else during this time block, then I will pause that, begin my focus block, and come back to that later if it needed.” OR – “If that task is really important and must be done now, then I will finish it and do my focus block immediately after.”
If you’re like me and have a habit of avoiding things that feel uncomfortable, one trick I learned from the Positive Intelligence framework with Shirzad Charmine, is to tell myself that I will stop avoiding this for one minute, then celebrate the fact that I stopped avoiding!
That celebration alone usually makes me feel good enough that I am motivated to continue working on it. This practice goes against the idea that pressuring and criticizing ourselves makes us perform better. It doesn’t.
A little bit of stress, called eustress, does indeed help us focus, prioritize, and act. But distress drains our energy, zapping us of the precious mental and physical resources needed to perform. Worse, stress hormones temporarily suppress our immune system, and if this goes on too long, we easily get sick and risk chronic illnesses. (Two great books in the Resources section below discuss stress on performance and health.)
Moving forward – take care of your brain
This rejection itself has an impact on your brain. Processing it, learning from it, and getting back on your feet all require precious brain resources. Therefore, it’s critical to our success to take care of our brain, the center for thinking, emotions, and controlling bodily systems, voluntary and involuntary, that keep us alive.
Success is not the absence of setbacks, but a journey through a winding forest path, where each stumble serves as a stepping stone, revealing new capabilities you probably didn't know you had. Allow optimism to be a compass and think of challenges and obstacles as means to success. Every misstep reveals new trails.
No Ph.D. doesn't mean no Ph.D. ever! I have seen Ph.D. candidates succeed at every age from 27 to 76 (and beyond).
Finally, if you are committed doing impactful work through meaningful projects and working with great people, you will find your way, with or without a Ph.D.
Upwards and onwards!
Have reactions to this post? Let me know in the comments. Feedback helps me understand what you find helpful and what people are going through. Thank you in advance!
Do you know someone talented with great aspirations wanting to get back on their feet after some disappointing outcomes? Give them a hug, if they’re into that! If it might help, share this with them.
If they’d like a virtual hug from a coach and some time to talk it out, have them fill out my contact form to book a free 30-minute call. There’s no commitment or obligation to sign up for anything else.
Were you forwarded this message and would you like to receive content like this in your inbox? Click here to subscribe to the newsletter.
Bonus - Stay tuned, someone just gave me an idea for a bonus issue for this series.
Resources
1) Self-compassion.org
2) Woopmylife.org
3) The Balance Within: The Science Connecting Health and Emotions, Dr. Esther M. Sternberg, 2001.
4) Your Brain at Work, Dr. David Rock, 2009.
Acknowledgment:
Special thanks to Paul Fraley, consummate digital professional and business mentor, whose astute and enthusiastic suggestions made this post at least 10% more powerful."
Do you know someone talented with great aspirations wanting to get back on their feet after some disappointing outcomes? Give them a hug, if they’re into that! If it might help, share this with them.
If they’d like a virtual hug from a coach and some time to talk it out, have them fill out my contact form to book a free 30-minute call. There’s no commitment or obligation to sign up for anything else.
Were you forwarded this message and would you like to receive content like this in your inbox? Click here to subscribe to the newsletter.
Bonus - Stay tuned, someone just gave me an idea for a bonus issue for this series.
Resources
1) Self-compassion.org
2) Woopmylife.org
3) The Balance Within: The Science Connecting Health and Emotions, Dr. Esther M. Sternberg, 2001.
4) Your Brain at Work, Dr. David Rock, 2009.
Acknowledgment:
Special thanks to Paul Fraley, consummate digital professional and business mentor, whose astute and enthusiastic suggestions made this post at least 10% more powerful."
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