Learning Through Mentoring Mistakes

It's that time of year when school and university schedules transition to a summer or winter break from classes (depending on your hemisphere).

In the Northern hemisphere, hoards of undergraduates and high school students seek summer mentoring and internship experiences. Many researchers and academics welcome extra hands and brains to help 'catch up' on their research and writing goals, now unfettered by teaching and coursework obligations.

Many of us researchers and teachers think we'll be great at mentoring. We're fantastic at what we already do. How hard could mentoring be?

Well, I've seen a lot, and I’ve also made probably most of the mistakes you can think of.

Note: Here, I’m describing hands-on mentoring where you’re involved in someone’s day-to-day development of skills, knowledge, and professional judgment. It’s neither a coffee chat relationship, nor formal performance review.

Let’s get into some common mentoring mistakes for this context. Note that many of these are like two ends of one spectrum.

Which ones have you seen? Which have you made yourself?

Supervision & presence

Over-supervising, over-present - You watch your mentee's every move and answer them however and whenever they contact you. Your constant hovering signals a lack of trust, and your availability, however well-intentioned, costs you both mental energy and time.
Under-supervising, under-present - You give the mentee some instructions, work to keep them occupied, and then disappear. When they hit a wall, there’s no one to turn to. They might be spinning their wheels or reluctant to bother you.

Your directing

Over-directing - You do all the planning and decision-making for the project with your mentee, then tell them what to do. They have little say in these decisions.
Under-directing - You've given your mentee free rein, and they run with it, which is great, until you realize that they've run far in a direction no longer aligned with a mission that you share.

Your thinking

Thinking for them - You explain the reasons behind their results every time and tell them what to do. They don’t get stuck on any one step, but you’re undermining their intellectual autonomy, without which they remain dependent on you.
Don't come back to me until you have an answer - Your mentee goes into multi-hour, multi-day rabbit holes alone when you could have helped them reach an answer sooner. Yes, struggle is valuable in learning, but you also don’t want to bring goals to a standstill for too long.

Your relationship with them

Too distant - They tiptoe around you, afraid to bring you bad news, admit mistakes, reveal uncertain thinking, or ask for something you might not approve of. On top of that, you know little about what they care about, why they’re here, or how they think. When their logic differs from yours, you see it as a problem rather than a possible asset.
Too close - The professional boundary has dissolved. You over-ask and overshare with each other about your inner worlds, personal lives, or your feelings about colleagues and supervisors. It feels warm, but quietly undermines the working relationship.

Your honesty with them

Fear of conflict - It's hard for you to give honest feedback or hold them accountable because you're afraid of demotivating, displeasing, or hurting them. In avoiding conflict, you may be shielding them - and yourself - from a sense of failure.
Overly honest - You are blunt and frank. Their feelings are their problem. You're there to teach and correct, and there’s no need to filter your delivery.

Your investment in the outcome

Uninvested - Their project is 'nice to have.' It keeps them occupied while you work on more important things.
Over-invested - If they don't succeed, your project is toast.

I have made all of these mistakes. That's why it took me just 20 minutes to draft this list while riding a boat.

Truthfully, none of the behaviors listed above are universally bad, and most of them are rooted in good intentions.

There will be moments that call for bluntness, acknowledging something outside of work, or close observation for learning and safety - and you must do it until you’re confident that your mentee will stop and ask for help if they feel at risk of harming samples, data, or themselves, or when something outside of work deserves acknowledgement.

What matters is that the relationship stays dynamic. As we learn about each other over many interactions, we get better at adjusting how we communicate and collaborate through new situations.

Note: The issues here are matters of leadership and teamwork, not major ethical dilemmas. For examples of the ethical lines you should never cross as a mentor, see Beyond Fame and Funding – Part 3: RED FLAGS when Choosing an Academic Boss

Over to you! Three questions to reflect on:

What mentoring mistakes have you made, and more importantly, what did you learn from them?
Have you ever been on the receiving end of some mentoring no-no's you hope to never repeat?
Is there any specific aspect of mentoring you're wrestling with?

If these questions sparked any reflections, I'd encourage you to take a few minutes to write down your thoughts. Self-awareness is the first step toward becoming a better mentor.

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I regularly write about mentoring, leadership, career development, coaching, and the lessons I've learned from science, business, and working with people.

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