“My mom was calling every week to ask if I got any interviews/offers.” While creating the blog entitled, “What if I don’t get in anywhere?” in the ‘Tis the Season for Ph.D. Interviews series, a friend and former colleague who did go through getting rejected everywhere asked if I could write about something we’re usually unprepared for, telling other people about it.
We are sitting in disappointment after the Ph.D. powers-that-be have seemingly shaped our fate by saying “No” and now other people want to know.
Whether it’s talking about Ph.D. rejections or failures in other areas of life, we may face all kinds of people and their reactions in the aftermath of communications – including extremely supportive allies, overly eager parents, and nosy or competitive colleagues. We may dread some of these interactions. We might feel like we are reliving the news, thus amplifying our pain. It can feel like we’re not in control.
This blog is about taking control of what to say to whom, when, and how. It is about being in control even when decision-makers say no.
Let’s dig in.
Quick recap of Part III, “What if I don’t get in anywhere?”: we covered how to be compassionate to ourselves in this moment, learn from the experience, and revise your plan for the next year and long term. In other words, we covered “What? So what? Now what?”
What we didn’t talk about was grief. This grief is for loss of opportunity, loss of a vision for a way we hoped to live and work towards something. The grief may be temporary, as next year we may try again and succeed or happily find ourselves doing something else. Nonetheless, this grief is real.
“It felt shitty then and I’m sure it would feel shitty now if I had to go through it again,” said my friend.
Grief, in general terms, is the loss of something important and comes with a complex mixture of emotions. One client, a parent of three whose plans to begin a Ph.D. within a defined window of time were dashed with a round of complete rejections, igniting a mix of frustration, disappointment, and anger along with their resolve to become a stronger candidate for the next round. In this mix of emotions, we may dread talking about what we're going through.
Another reason for that dread is that we humans, like dogs, monkeys, and hyenas, are pack animals. We innately seek acceptance and belonging and have evolved to feel pain with rejection. Being an outcast could mean a lack of food and protection, compromising survival. Below our conscious mind, we might fear another kind of rejection from the people we speak to about our graduate school rejection.
Taking Control of Your What, Who, When, and How
In the last half of Part III, we shared some prompts for reflection and planning, which you can return to any time during your process to gain peace and clarity. Awareness of how this outcome is affecting us in terms of grief or our innate need for belonging is a great place to start.
Take care of your well-being first. Keep doing those things that make you feel great – run, swim, hike, ride, paint, box, sculpt, carve, cook, garden, play with dogs – anything that engages you in a totally different way. This will do wonders for both your well-being, emotional regulation, and mental clarity, and it will be great for your power in the relationships in which you will share this news. Enjoy time with people who do not know (or are unlikely to ask) about your academic plans.
After caring for ourselves, we can care about talking to people who will ask.
What would an ideal interaction look like?
You know what you’re dreading. Do any of these ring true?
Many, possibly most of these states might be true. You will be OK, with or without a Ph.D. If you decide that Ph.D. work serves your aspirations, then you should apply again. And the committee might have made a bad choice by not choosing you.
Yet these truths are worthless if their timing and delivery are wrong for us. Instead of embracing such nuggets, you may feel like burying your head in the ground. Grief generally does not immediately equip us with patience and the perspective of others.
It's great to have self-awareness before delivering the next newsflash.
So let’s focus on what you do want and what is under your control now.
Which relationships are important to you?
Relationships are not equal in importance. You do get to choose how you distribute your time and energy relatively.
Who needs to know and when?
“At least with my parents I could decide when to pick up the phone… with colleagues it was harder,” said one voice of experience.
Relationships are not equal in urgency. Some people see us every day and they will find out. Others can wait.
Preparing your narrative
I had two difficult years as a freelancer and business owner. When people asked me, “How’s work?” It was uncomfortable. My insecurities and stumbling over my words didn't help me with motivation or progress toward opportunities I wanted. It took me a few months to realize effective strategies for handling this question without amplifying my feelings of personal failure.
There are some people with whom the ‘fake-it-til-you-make-it’ feels right, e.g. “It’s going in a great direction.” No need to elaborate.
However, if I have some quality rapport with my counterpart, I give a more honest and vulnerable statement such as: “I could use more work right now so I’m busy working to attract more work.” As I have become emotionally stronger, I have emphasized the part where I am doing something about the situation rather than the situation itself.
This honesty and vulnerability can serve me very well and even open up opportunities, but I have to show up prepared, open-minded, and calm.
Over to you. Take a moment to imagine a scene where you’re sharing this news with someone. Here are a few ways you can be in control:
1) Prepare your facts. Keep them time-bound – “this year” vs. forever. The schools rejected "my application", not "me". And if we poke around the internet, we'll find that application rejection is now way more common than application acceptance.
2) Prepare your outlook. You don’t need to be certain about what's next. “I’m exploring my options,” is fine.
3) Know what you need and ask for it. Do you need space? Do you need time? Ask for it. “Can we talk more next week?” or “May I reach out again when I’m ready?” or “Could we go play air hockey [or insert activity] and not talk about this today?”
You can also pre-empt your sharing with phrases like, “I’m going to tell you the news now very briefly. Let me speak until I’m finished. I’ll let you know when I’m finished. Today I just want to let you know. I’m not ready to discuss more. Can you work with that?”
Then make a point to give your listener clear indicators about when you’ve finished sharing and when you are open to their reaction. And if they ask you questions you don’t want to answer, you can hold that boundary calmly, e.g. “let’s talk about that another day.”
A conversation is like taking a new road trip with our counterpart where we have more information than they do. It helps both of us if we take the responsibility of telling our counterparts about the road signs and turns before we reach them and then again when we do reach them.
4) Manage your expectations. In book, The HeArt of Laser-Focused Coaching, coach Marion Franklin describes a theme called “Going to the hardware store for milk.”
This idiom refers to seeking something from people who are not capable of giving it to us. For example, in this moment, we might be seeking someone who will listen well and empathize. Yet we may know that the person we’re speaking to is generally cold and aloof. Or perhaps they have a pattern of jumping ahead, asking questions, or giving advice before you’re ready.
Expecting anything different from existing patterns of behavior could be setting ourselves up for disappointment. Of course, we could be pleasantly surprised. Nonetheless, the idea in “Going to the hardware store for milk,” is to seek sources of support judiciously.
If you need a good listener, meet that need with someone whom you feel is capable of meeting that need. Following the advice in 3), ask them for that capacity ahead of time. My way: "When might you have a moment to chat? I could use a friendly ear."
5) Close conversations when you need to. The approaches mentioned in 3) above are collaborative. Sometimes, our counterparts are not in tune with us, or perhaps we discover ourselves searching for milk at the hardware store.
We do not have to stay in a conversation we don’t want to stay in. A simple “Thanks,” is one way to close, and you can follow it up with a reason if you like. Ideally, our counterpart will respect “I need a break now,” yet there is no shame in something a little stronger like “I need to go now,” and disappearing for a few minutes or longer.
We don’t need an external reason or a commitment with somebody else to leave a conversation. Commitment to our own well-being and sanity is foundational for accomplishing anything else well and therefore a great reason to be unavailable for an interaction that no longer serves us. Availability is our choice.
Plus, our relationships benefit when we take care of ourselves first. That enables us to show up and to choose our steps well in the dance of a conversation.
As you navigate these conversations in the coming days and weeks, remember that you’re not alone in facing rejection and conversations about it. This experience, while deeply personal, is part of a shared human experience that many around us have or will face, whether or not they talk about it.
Let’s wrap up with a few words that are easy to keep at the top of the mind.
1) Control – You are in control. You can control how you frame and share this chapter, even if you cannot control the outcome of your applications nor others’ reactions.
2) Boundaries – Boundaries are healthy, for you and your people. It’s essential for your well-being and builds respect in your relationships.
3) Timing – Also in your control. There’s no rush to have all the answers nor to tell anything to anyone immediately. Take the time you need.
4) Expectations – Take responsibility for your own expectations. Manage what you expect of people, especially those you love the most. Nobody is perfect, and our fragility after having our applications rejected will color the ways we receive, perceive, and react to their feedback.
5) Allies – This is an opportunity to grow personally and in relationships. It may feel shitty now, but by sharing your experience with others, you will gain clarity just by talking it out. Vulnerability is a foundation for trust and connection. Open up when you're ready and you will move forward with allies.
Remember that this moment does not define your journey. What do you and Robert Jarvik, who is credited with inventing the artificial heart, have in common? You were both rejected by graduate school, according to a list of 7 Famous People Who Were Rejected by Graduate School.
I invite you to take these tools and start adapting them for the conversations you need to have. Start small, perhaps with one conversation, and notice how being prepared helps you maintain your sense of control and respect.
What’s your next step?
It can be as simple as drafting your narrative, identifying key supporters, and/or blocking some “me time” right before and after these conversations. It could even mean blocking some communication channels for a defined time while you gather your bearings.
Whatever you choose, the skills and habits you build while managing this disappointment will equip you to face the many more curveballs your life and career will throw at you.
Hang in there. You got this!!
Bonus reading:
1) ‘Talk about it, focus on your values and … stay stoic’: how to cope with rejection, by Hannah Newton in The Guardian, March 2025.
We are sitting in disappointment after the Ph.D. powers-that-be have seemingly shaped our fate by saying “No” and now other people want to know.
Whether it’s talking about Ph.D. rejections or failures in other areas of life, we may face all kinds of people and their reactions in the aftermath of communications – including extremely supportive allies, overly eager parents, and nosy or competitive colleagues. We may dread some of these interactions. We might feel like we are reliving the news, thus amplifying our pain. It can feel like we’re not in control.
This blog is about taking control of what to say to whom, when, and how. It is about being in control even when decision-makers say no.
Let’s dig in.
Quick recap of Part III, “What if I don’t get in anywhere?”: we covered how to be compassionate to ourselves in this moment, learn from the experience, and revise your plan for the next year and long term. In other words, we covered “What? So what? Now what?”
What we didn’t talk about was grief. This grief is for loss of opportunity, loss of a vision for a way we hoped to live and work towards something. The grief may be temporary, as next year we may try again and succeed or happily find ourselves doing something else. Nonetheless, this grief is real.
“It felt shitty then and I’m sure it would feel shitty now if I had to go through it again,” said my friend.
Grief, in general terms, is the loss of something important and comes with a complex mixture of emotions. One client, a parent of three whose plans to begin a Ph.D. within a defined window of time were dashed with a round of complete rejections, igniting a mix of frustration, disappointment, and anger along with their resolve to become a stronger candidate for the next round. In this mix of emotions, we may dread talking about what we're going through.
Another reason for that dread is that we humans, like dogs, monkeys, and hyenas, are pack animals. We innately seek acceptance and belonging and have evolved to feel pain with rejection. Being an outcast could mean a lack of food and protection, compromising survival. Below our conscious mind, we might fear another kind of rejection from the people we speak to about our graduate school rejection.
Taking Control of Your What, Who, When, and How
In the last half of Part III, we shared some prompts for reflection and planning, which you can return to any time during your process to gain peace and clarity. Awareness of how this outcome is affecting us in terms of grief or our innate need for belonging is a great place to start.
Take care of your well-being first. Keep doing those things that make you feel great – run, swim, hike, ride, paint, box, sculpt, carve, cook, garden, play with dogs – anything that engages you in a totally different way. This will do wonders for both your well-being, emotional regulation, and mental clarity, and it will be great for your power in the relationships in which you will share this news. Enjoy time with people who do not know (or are unlikely to ask) about your academic plans.
After caring for ourselves, we can care about talking to people who will ask.
What would an ideal interaction look like?
You know what you’re dreading. Do any of these ring true?
- Asking too much too soon, e.g. “So what are you going to do? What’s next?”
- Belittling your dream, e.g. “Congratulations, you can move on to something better. Who wants to go there anyway?”
- Overly dramatic and assuming responses, e.g. “Oh my god oh my god, I’m so sorry, that’s awful, I’m so sorry.” (They smother you with hugs when you don't want to talk or be touched) “Are you okaaaaay?” (pity face).
- Needing an explanation for choices that weren’t yours, e.g. “Is it because you didn’t ___?” or simply “Why?” (As if you can speak for the committee.)
- Unsolicited advice, e.g.: “Ok, so this year you need to __ __ __ so that they’ll take you next year. Get __ ___ to help you.” Or simply “You should apply again.”
- Empty reassurance, e.g. “I’m sure you’ll get in eventually,” or “You’ll be alright.”
- Arc nemesis gloating, e.g. “Oh, too bad,” with smugness and a smirk.
- People on your side to a fault, e.g. “What?! I can’t f**king believe it. F*** them. Forget about them. You’re the most amazing scientist in the world. Those f**kers have no idea what they’re doing. They’re idiots for not choosing you. Curses on them and their whole family.” (There is a 3-character Cantonese swear-phrase that curses multiple generations of target family.)
Many, possibly most of these states might be true. You will be OK, with or without a Ph.D. If you decide that Ph.D. work serves your aspirations, then you should apply again. And the committee might have made a bad choice by not choosing you.
Yet these truths are worthless if their timing and delivery are wrong for us. Instead of embracing such nuggets, you may feel like burying your head in the ground. Grief generally does not immediately equip us with patience and the perspective of others.
It's great to have self-awareness before delivering the next newsflash.
So let’s focus on what you do want and what is under your control now.
Which relationships are important to you?
Relationships are not equal in importance. You do get to choose how you distribute your time and energy relatively.
Who needs to know and when?
“At least with my parents I could decide when to pick up the phone… with colleagues it was harder,” said one voice of experience.
Relationships are not equal in urgency. Some people see us every day and they will find out. Others can wait.
Preparing your narrative
I had two difficult years as a freelancer and business owner. When people asked me, “How’s work?” It was uncomfortable. My insecurities and stumbling over my words didn't help me with motivation or progress toward opportunities I wanted. It took me a few months to realize effective strategies for handling this question without amplifying my feelings of personal failure.
There are some people with whom the ‘fake-it-til-you-make-it’ feels right, e.g. “It’s going in a great direction.” No need to elaborate.
However, if I have some quality rapport with my counterpart, I give a more honest and vulnerable statement such as: “I could use more work right now so I’m busy working to attract more work.” As I have become emotionally stronger, I have emphasized the part where I am doing something about the situation rather than the situation itself.
This honesty and vulnerability can serve me very well and even open up opportunities, but I have to show up prepared, open-minded, and calm.
Over to you. Take a moment to imagine a scene where you’re sharing this news with someone. Here are a few ways you can be in control:
1) Prepare your facts. Keep them time-bound – “this year” vs. forever. The schools rejected "my application", not "me". And if we poke around the internet, we'll find that application rejection is now way more common than application acceptance.
2) Prepare your outlook. You don’t need to be certain about what's next. “I’m exploring my options,” is fine.
3) Know what you need and ask for it. Do you need space? Do you need time? Ask for it. “Can we talk more next week?” or “May I reach out again when I’m ready?” or “Could we go play air hockey [or insert activity] and not talk about this today?”
You can also pre-empt your sharing with phrases like, “I’m going to tell you the news now very briefly. Let me speak until I’m finished. I’ll let you know when I’m finished. Today I just want to let you know. I’m not ready to discuss more. Can you work with that?”
Then make a point to give your listener clear indicators about when you’ve finished sharing and when you are open to their reaction. And if they ask you questions you don’t want to answer, you can hold that boundary calmly, e.g. “let’s talk about that another day.”
A conversation is like taking a new road trip with our counterpart where we have more information than they do. It helps both of us if we take the responsibility of telling our counterparts about the road signs and turns before we reach them and then again when we do reach them.
4) Manage your expectations. In book, The HeArt of Laser-Focused Coaching, coach Marion Franklin describes a theme called “Going to the hardware store for milk.”
This idiom refers to seeking something from people who are not capable of giving it to us. For example, in this moment, we might be seeking someone who will listen well and empathize. Yet we may know that the person we’re speaking to is generally cold and aloof. Or perhaps they have a pattern of jumping ahead, asking questions, or giving advice before you’re ready.
Expecting anything different from existing patterns of behavior could be setting ourselves up for disappointment. Of course, we could be pleasantly surprised. Nonetheless, the idea in “Going to the hardware store for milk,” is to seek sources of support judiciously.
If you need a good listener, meet that need with someone whom you feel is capable of meeting that need. Following the advice in 3), ask them for that capacity ahead of time. My way: "When might you have a moment to chat? I could use a friendly ear."
5) Close conversations when you need to. The approaches mentioned in 3) above are collaborative. Sometimes, our counterparts are not in tune with us, or perhaps we discover ourselves searching for milk at the hardware store.
We do not have to stay in a conversation we don’t want to stay in. A simple “Thanks,” is one way to close, and you can follow it up with a reason if you like. Ideally, our counterpart will respect “I need a break now,” yet there is no shame in something a little stronger like “I need to go now,” and disappearing for a few minutes or longer.
We don’t need an external reason or a commitment with somebody else to leave a conversation. Commitment to our own well-being and sanity is foundational for accomplishing anything else well and therefore a great reason to be unavailable for an interaction that no longer serves us. Availability is our choice.
Plus, our relationships benefit when we take care of ourselves first. That enables us to show up and to choose our steps well in the dance of a conversation.
As you navigate these conversations in the coming days and weeks, remember that you’re not alone in facing rejection and conversations about it. This experience, while deeply personal, is part of a shared human experience that many around us have or will face, whether or not they talk about it.
Let’s wrap up with a few words that are easy to keep at the top of the mind.
1) Control – You are in control. You can control how you frame and share this chapter, even if you cannot control the outcome of your applications nor others’ reactions.
2) Boundaries – Boundaries are healthy, for you and your people. It’s essential for your well-being and builds respect in your relationships.
3) Timing – Also in your control. There’s no rush to have all the answers nor to tell anything to anyone immediately. Take the time you need.
4) Expectations – Take responsibility for your own expectations. Manage what you expect of people, especially those you love the most. Nobody is perfect, and our fragility after having our applications rejected will color the ways we receive, perceive, and react to their feedback.
5) Allies – This is an opportunity to grow personally and in relationships. It may feel shitty now, but by sharing your experience with others, you will gain clarity just by talking it out. Vulnerability is a foundation for trust and connection. Open up when you're ready and you will move forward with allies.
Remember that this moment does not define your journey. What do you and Robert Jarvik, who is credited with inventing the artificial heart, have in common? You were both rejected by graduate school, according to a list of 7 Famous People Who Were Rejected by Graduate School.
I invite you to take these tools and start adapting them for the conversations you need to have. Start small, perhaps with one conversation, and notice how being prepared helps you maintain your sense of control and respect.
What’s your next step?
It can be as simple as drafting your narrative, identifying key supporters, and/or blocking some “me time” right before and after these conversations. It could even mean blocking some communication channels for a defined time while you gather your bearings.
Whatever you choose, the skills and habits you build while managing this disappointment will equip you to face the many more curveballs your life and career will throw at you.
Hang in there. You got this!!
Bonus reading:
1) ‘Talk about it, focus on your values and … stay stoic’: how to cope with rejection, by Hannah Newton in The Guardian, March 2025.
2) 7 Famous People Who Were Rejected by Graduate School, by Greg Daugherty on Medium, 2016.
3) 50 Famous People Who Failed at Their First Attempt at Career Success by Ambreen Syed on LinkedIn, 2022.
4) Faculty Who Failed Series, Cornell Graduate School, April 2024.
3) 50 Famous People Who Failed at Their First Attempt at Career Success by Ambreen Syed on LinkedIn, 2022.
4) Faculty Who Failed Series, Cornell Graduate School, April 2024.